Life Though a Broad and Beautiful Lens

This month, September 18th actually, marks six years since we lost our youngest son, Brian.

It sometimes still shocks me and takes my breath away when I write those words, even now.

But I am doing well. I am finding my way in the world again. Seeing life through a different lens. I see life through a broader lens these days and I am mostly peaceful and grateful. I am mostly happy. And I am excited about life again.

From this place where I am now, six years in and with the six year mark quickly approaching, I find myself in a place of deep reflection.

I’ve been thinking about my journey and I’ve been trying to map out the steps that I’ve taken so far. I have been trying to put the steps in order and make sense of my journey.

I’ve been thinking about the different twists and turns my path has taken. I’ve been thinking about the crossroads and intersections; the one way streets, the dead ends and the u-turns.

It’s been a long, arduous trek and today I feel as if I have a bird’s eye view of the road that I’ve walked and although my healing is ongoing, I have some insights I’d like to share.

Back at the beginning, or once I was able to face the fact that I had to go on living without my child, I only had one question. I desperately wanted the answer to just one question. That question was, “How do I do this?” I remember thinking, “Someone please just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!”

I did not want to stay stuck in the deep, dark depths of despair which is where I found myself after the numbing haze of disbelief lifted.

I did not want to continue riding the Ferris wheel of panic, anger, sadness, yearning and constant rumination. Especially rumination. Rumination might be better described as the “would’ve, should’ve, could’ve” scenarios.

The constant spinning of thoughts and scenarios I ran through in my mind to keep Brian from dying.

The scenarios that really had no answer to what truly would have happened because they weren’t based in reality. They were just an infinite number of possibilities that did absolutely nothing to help me adapt to the painful reality that he did die.

The “if only I had done this” or “if only I had done that” scenarios did not help me learn how to be in the world again and that’s what I desperately wanted to learn. That was really what I was searching for.

I want to share with you what actually did help.

I want to share how I was able to stop that Ferris wheel. It took me at least four years to realize that I was using three very key concepts to heal and then another two years to be able to identify them and organize them in terms of grief and how they’ve helped. They continue to help me every day.

And while there are probably more concepts or tools that can help on this grief journey, I have found that these are the three that have made the most difference for me.

It was when I learned to treat myself with compassion, when I learned to love myself and when I was able to forgive myself that I began to heal and even flourish. I had to learn to do all three of these things consistently and daily. And I still do because healing is an ongoing process.

So let’s start with self-compassion.

Self-compassion involves being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. It means being kind rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self- criticism.​

This involves using mindfulness to be aware of what we’re feeling in our grief, whether it’s anger, sadness or yearning and then being kind to ourselves while we are sitting with these difficult feelings.

Mindfulness is a key component of self-compassion. We need to be aware or mindful in order to identify the negative things we say to ourselves.

Sometimes we don’t even realize that we are saying mean, judgmental or critical things to ourselves.

Once we become aware of what we are saying and feeling we can begin to sit with difficult feelings and question them with love and compassion for ourselves.

In a nut shell, self-compassion means that you act the same way towards yourself when you are suffering that you would act towards a dear friend.

That means noticing your suffering and empathizing or “suffering with yourself” and then offering kindness and understanding.

Instead of beating yourself up for feeling whatever you are feeling, you find a way to love yourself through the pain.

Self-compassion is not self-pity. Self-pity tends to emphasize the idea that I am all alone in my pain while self-compassion emphasizes the idea that all humans suffer and there are others experiencing similar pain too.

When we practice self-compassion we honor, acknowledge and care for ourselves when we are hurting.

I also think that self-compassion acknowledges that as humans we make mistakes and it allows space for the action of self-forgiveness when warranted, which I will circle back to shortly.

So while self-compassion is about being kind and empathetic with yourself, self-love is more about the actions we take to support ourselves.

Self love is more of a state of appreciation that grows from the actions we take to support our minds, our bodies and our spirits.

Self-love builds us up and makes us feel worthy.

Self-love is what allows us to be kind and compassionate with ourselves and others!!

Self-love has been a huge component of my healing. I needed to take action and create a healing space.

Moving, meditating and eating well harnessed the physiology of my body because of the endorphins and hormones that these activities release. Simply put, they made me feel better!!!!

When you feel better it is easier to love yourself and others!

Grief can block our self-love. Specifically, some strong, uncomfortable feelings we experience in deep grief can tempt us to avoid feeling our grief and that can block our ability to love ourselves.

Feelings like guilt, self judgement for not handling things the way we might wish we had can keep us stuck. That’s where self-compassion is key to healing.

Again we do this by becoming aware of the painful stories and then by loving ourselves through the pain the way we would a cherished friend.

And then taking actions like meditating, journaling, eating well and moving our bodies, keeping a gratitude journal, spending time in nature and so many other things, can build us up (mentally and physiologically) giving us the space we need to do the work of healing. We don’t have to do them all. Just pick one or two and start there!

Our bodies are designed to heal. We, our whole being, are designed to heal!

Taking these actions of self-care will naturally harness your ability to heal your grief.

The last and incredibly important concept that has helped me tremendously is the idea of forgiveness.

One of my favorite definitions of forgiveness is one that I heard by Oprah. She said, “Forgiveness is ​giving up the hope that the past could have been different.”

I’ve had to forgive life for not living up to my expectations.

I’ve had to forgive the idea that my life is not how I dreamed it would be with my children.

I’ve had to forgive the idea that I had different hopes, dreams and expectations for my life.

I have had to forgive the past for not going as I had planned.

And this is what I wanted to say about self-compassion and forgiveness.:

I have compassion for the fact that I could only do what I knew to do during Brian’s illness. I get that I could only do what I could with the information that I had. And I know I tried my damnedest to do what I could to save his life.

I have zero doubt about that.

Yet, there are things that I have had to forgive myself for.

I forgive myself for not knowing and understanding more about his illness.

I forgive myself for not being able to save him.

I forgive myself for anything rational or irrational that I feel about that.

I surrender to it all and I forgive it all. Daily.

Self-forgiveness helps me let go of my mistakes and allows me move forward.

Self-love consists of the actions I take to heal and build up my mind, body and spirit.

Self-compassion helps me acknowledge that I am human and imperfect and that’s okay!

Together the three concepts of self-compassion, self-love and self-forgiveness have allowed me to surrender to what is.

Practicing them consistently gives me hope for living and loving to the best of my ability....

It lets me me move forward with a profound appreciation of life and all that I have to look forward to.

Thanks for letting me share....

I'm wondering, as you reflect on your own journey of life, how does this post resonate or not for you?

It is my deep and sincere hope that whatever challenge you face, you do so with self-compassion, self-love and forgiveness and always love yourself everyday!

With lots and lots of love,

Mary